Welcome to Paintball - The NooB Gets Knackered

The Fight for Asylum:

I hope everyone else's weekend went as well as mine.

I managed to conquer nature, my own fears and (with the help of another 264 people) the entire red team no matter what the score sheet said.

As you'll probably know, my first paintball adventure EVER went down this weekend and I have to say that I've never had a better rush in my life. Stalking through hallways, running and gunning out on the roads, diving to cover in massive firefights between 80+ people at a time... It was the most exhilarating experience I could possibly imagine.

Welcome to Paintball:

Let me be your guide.

'Smash', myself, Juggernaut and Valkyrie (front row).

This is by-far the most intense sport that I have ever experienced and if anyone wants to debate the status of paintball as a sport I'm down for that duel and so are 559 of my closest friends and acquaintances.

Athleticism, awareness, accuracy and aggression should be the four A's of paintball. If you can nail down those four things it's no surprise to find yourself waist-deep in a flood of paint without batting an eyelash at incoming fire...

Okay, so maybe I'm not exactly Rambo or John McClane but I'll be damned if I didn't feel like it as I ran out into the no-man's-land-like regions of the warzone as the battle rotated around the buildings. It really was something to behold (if only I could've watched from the rooftops) as the battle moved back and forth over the front and back fields, pivoting around the 3-story apartment at one end and the 2-story offices at the other. It should also be mentioned that a fatal funnel of frenzied paintball firing known locally as 'the hallway of death' also played a large part in controlling the central warehouse which seemed to give any team possessing it an unwarranted confidence... Seriously, if you botched the outdoor fight it just meant you were pinned down in the centre, waiting to get blitzed.

Bring in the N00b!

Yeah, I became the "chosen plug" every now and then, but I more often chose myself for the job than anything else.

'Joe Dirt' and I (camo pants) getting seriously
stitched while making a suicide flag run.

There's a certain honour in putting it all out there for the sake of your team, even if that means you get a few welts along the way. If you ask me, each welt should tell a story, and if you've got too many welts to remember every story well... You might have looked like me out on the field because I couldn't get back to the front lines fast enough. Once you start slinging paint it's hard to stop readers, I can promise you that much.

I was running (as you'll most definitely know by now) a Tippmann A5, JT Proshield mask, BT 4+1 pod pack full-up with four pods and and 3000psi HPA tank. No E-triggers, no fancy sights, just the basics people. To be honest? It did the job admirably. When I needed to lay down covering fire it was easy to just snap my middle finger back and rattle off balls. When I needed to place rounds on target at range it worked equally well. Could I have used a sight? Maybe, but only if I'd known the range I'd be engaging at the most. All-in-all the A5 worked every bit as hard as I did and not ONCE did I chop a ball. I did get a couple balls stuck in the barrel when the temperature dropped so to all you n00bs out there just remember account for cold-weather shrinkage okay? ;) It happens to the best of us guys and the only thing you can do is work with what you've got... A larger-bore barrel doesn't hurt much either though you stand a chance of losing a little accuracy. In all honesty though, with the whole barrel thing, a slightly larger bore isn't going to mess with you before the 18-20 yard range and at that point you're 'hailmarying' your shots anyway.

Earning my Stripes:

Oddly enough they resemble welts... Who knew?

These are my worst/best from the weekend.
Took 3 days of balling to get it this bad so don't
be afraid to hit a field for just a day or two.

Yeah it comes with the territory, welts, bruises, cuts and scrapes. If you're gonna go HAM (hard as a mofo) you're gonna need the odd bit of Advil, Rub A535 and Polysporin. These are all essential parts of a paintball kit as you KNOW you've had a good day when you finally sit down and your mind is overcome with thoughts of "Where the HELL is my muscle cream!?!". It helps to keep your legs moving at ALL times (if you sit down to eat, or stand around reloading in the pits just shift your weight side to side or bounce your knees up and down) so that your muscles don't cramp up. Force the oxygen to them by keeping them at work to some extent and you'll reduce muscle fatigue.

As far as welts and bruises go, that shit's got its own timeline. It'll heal differently depending on your body but a little cold compress (ice pack, cold water-dampened facecloth) will do wonders on the swelling. Maybe you'll be 'lucky' like me and get your hands lit up while popping out of cover for which I recommend getting a pair of half-finger armoured gloves to keep your digits happy. Balls tend to bounce a lot on the weird angles created by your hands and wrists and any baller will tell you that a bounce almost ALWAYS hurts more than a clean break.

I got smoked by this ninja-esque baller after battling hard for a foothold in the 2-story building. He slid into the room across a hallway covered by three guys, poked the first three in the room, shot me (the welt just under my gold chain), shot the guy next to me in the chest and then slapped the last man in the room on the back of the head. I just had to shake his hand before I started on my way back to the respawn point because it was just insane how quickly he pulled that off.

My back got stitched (nailed with a line of balls) on my suicide flag run. There are three distinct welts in the top left picture (two at the shoulder and one on the spine) from that little display of insanity. I also too two more on the bicep and one more on the ass after I hit the ground.

Does any of this discourage my from balling? HELL NO! I know it's a little intimidating for some people when they see the marks but honestly? They're just badges of honour. Each welt tells a very distinct story about your day and you should be proud of them. I'm not saying spend ALL your time running into a firefight but if you're considering it just remember that while pain's only temporary, bragging rights and glory last forever!

Best Blasting / Pick of the Paint:

Alright, with each paintball trip I make there's going to a "Best Blasting" and "Pick of the Paint" segment. This is where I detail my personal favourite shot and my most notable 'knackering' (when I get my ass lit-up with paint).

A Close One:

It was really hard for me to pick between two deaths but I've managed to decide on the winner. I had the unenviable task of choosing between a display of "ballziness" and an absolute shock-trooper domination... 

And the award goes to *drum roll*

The Ninja Nailer. This guy flew into a room held by 6 people and with one smooth move eleiminated everyone putting a shot square at the base of my neck and into the sternum of the guy to my right... It only took him two shots. I was going to choose my suicide run but that was more about just doing something ridiculous, the people who shot me out had a turkey shoot going on. This damned ninja (whose name I never got unfortunately) showed some serious courage, composure and skill with his sliding breach and clear. Six kills in four seconds? Not too shabby pal, not too shabby at all.

Bushed

 I made my best moves of the weekend on Sunday after I got into my rhythm on Saturday's dominating game. Again the decision comes down to a duel between two equally epic events but I've still managed to pick a winner.

1. My spawn. 2. My berm.
3. Concealed shooter. 4. Enemy spawn

As a runner-up we have my second 'bunkering' of the day where, after calling for some blistering cover fire from me bunker mates, I made a dash down a narrow fire-funnel of a hallway and got up against a house-style bunker. The bugger inside had been blasting the ammo dump (the bunker I'd just run from) along with a couple of his squadmates but we'd managed to pick them off. The general had called for us to push through to the fallout zone so this thorn in our side couldn't be allowed to sit there and suppress our advancing troops. I asked the guys around me (one speedballer, an X7 e-trigger and some rentals) to lay down fire on the bunker as I made a mad dash for the window on the left of the bunker. I turned and aimed down and *POP POP* put a round clear into his shoulder after missing the first. I pulled the trigger a third time quickly but got nothing but air... Last two balls and one of'em made a bunkering shot. That being said it still doesn't beat my favourite kill.

My kill of the weekend was on a concealed triggerman preventing my team from advancing down the back boulevard of the back road. He had crawled just far enough into the trees to prevent getting longballed and even getting eyes on him was next to impossible. Suddenly one of the guys sheltering with me in the berm motioned that the shooter was behind some yellow caution tape strung up in a tree. I ran from the berm to the treeline and advanced along it to within about fifteen feet of him. I flagged my wingman back at the berm to lay down three bursts before I planned to make my run. After a lot of shredded paint in the trees around our target I ran up and popped him clean on the mask. His hand went up, he rolled out of the bushes and I was promptly nailed by a Citrus Connection member hiding out way back behind a berm on the opposite side of the road.

Around the Campfire:

I hate to wrap this up but I've dropped enough text on this page as-is. I wish I could've shown you these great moments but I wasn't able to borrow a helmet or barrel cam so I'll have to save up for one or guarantee a loaner for my next deployment.

The Fight for Asylum event was absolutely mindblowing folks. I can't say enough about it but you can be sure I'll make an attempt at summing it all up with tomorrow's article. Until then, to n00bs and pros alike just remember to...

Keep calm and throw paint!

Joshua J. Taylor - The 'N00b' Baller

Getting 'In Gear'

Pop-Pop-Pop!

Yup, I'm working hard on getting my 'kit' together and I've contacted more than nine or ten different paintball gear supplies and I've managed to get responses from quite a few. Most have only been simple "I've received your message and we're working on your request" however Online Paintball replied to my inquiry and actually answered my questions within just a couple of hours of sending the first email, and on the Easter long-weekend Saturday no-less.

Screenshot of the Online Paintball deal

So far they have the most gear being offered for the lowest price alongside the best service of anyone I've heard from, and I don't really expect for many offers to come in that top theirs. I'm hoping that Hero Army Surplus will challenge them a bit, as competition is good for me and ultimately good for whoever puts forth the best price on products but to be completely honest, I don't think that I'd be too upset to 'settle' with the prices I'm seeing.

I should mention that, regardless of how the wheeling and dealing goes, Hero Army Surplus is run by a bunch of great people who've been of great help to my former high school's Remembrance Day ceremony, lending props and costumes for the theatrical presentations. They were always nice to me when I shopped for 'pizazz' pieces when I played laser tag (camo pants, neoprene masks etc) and when I was trying to set up a laser tag tournament they were great about their pricing on customized dog tags as prizes for the event (it never got off the ground but they were willing to wiggle on the pricing). Point being? Hero's a great place to shop, run by very understanding people. I'd recommend them 

'00 Civic:

The header here might not make a whole lot of sense to you right now but stick with me and it'll make sense soon enough.

Do you know what 2012's 'Most Stolen Vehicle" was? The 2000 Honda Civic. Do you know why that car was targeted? Because it was simple, easy to maintain, and highly customizable. It's by this motto that I structure most purchases in my life.

Marketing visual Aid

You see, I might be the 'n00b baller' but I'm an old pro when it comes to getting the most out of my effort, money, everything. If it can be spent on something, I know how to make the most out of it. The trick is knowing that to get the most of your money, you will need to balance reliability, ease of maintenance and the potential for adjustments and upgrades. In the case of a paintball marker, without blowing a massive wad of cash up-front, your best bet is most-likely the Tippmann A5.

The A5 comes highly-recommended from a number of ballers I've spoken with, as well as from review posted online. It's a chore trying to find anyone to speak ill of this marker and the worst that they can say about it is that it's a little on the heavier side, and that it isn't sniper-accurate... well, who would expect that level of accuracy from an unmodified, affordable marker? Precisely.

In any case, this little baby's gonna be mine soon enough. I've found (as I've mentioned numerous times) a TONNE of packages based off of this marker so all it comes down to now is price. I have to say though, that the package is about more than just the marker. You need to set yourself up for success and that means covering a couple of bases.

Are you joking? No, I'm kitting:

Sorry for the pun.. The HORRIBLE pun.

Ex. 1

Your kit (in my opinion) is just as important to your success as your marker. Why? Because being able to carry extra ammunition, having a squeegee on hand in case you 'chop a ball' (coating the inside of your barrel with paint), and/or having a pair or armoured gloves to prevent 'dead hands' from a paintball hit will allow you to play to a higher level, or at the very least leave you with options.

Options are a HUGE advantage when you're in combat and it doesn't matter if that's legitimate military service or in a combat-sport like paintball. When you have options, that makes you dangerous and unpredictable and your opponent will have to deal with a wider range of tactics. 

Pods and Pod Packs:

The picture says it all folks. If you're going into a match, and you can't carry any ammunition other than what's already in your hopper, you're going to be in for a short trip. The best part about playing paintball is actually throwing the paint, so having less ammunition means less fun... It also means that at any moment you could run out of balls, even in the midst of a firefight.

So, how do you lug more splattering power into a match? Pods and pod packs my friends. These are really simple pieces of equipment, much like a tactical belt or vest you'd see on a soldier, and some packs come with a holder for your propellant tank in order to take the weight off of your gun. If you're looking for one of these tank-holding packs, they're usually labelled as "X+1" or "X+Y+1" pod packs with X and Y just being stand ins for the number of pods held by the pack itself. The +1 designates that it holds your tank as well, and a lighter gun-hand means faster response times and that you'll have a better chance of putting rounds on target before your enemy does. So remember fellow n00bs, "If the only balls you've got are in your hopper... You're gonna have a bad time."

Oh, and yes, I made that meme on MemeGenerator.com... Credit to me for the testicular double entendre.

Armour:

No, you won't need kevlar, ceramic plate or steel but simpel paintball armour can be extremely handy and many players swear by the benefits of having armour and padding. Not only will this protective gear help in preventing injuries suffered while throwing yourself around the battlefield, but soft armour can sometimes result in 'bouncing', where incoming fire simply deflects off of you rather than exploding.

Now it's not about the pain of being tagged (okay, sometimes it's about getting hit) but when it comes to elbow and knee pads/shin guards, these pieces actually help to improve your mobility. Picture if you can, diving or sliding into position behind a bunker and having nothing on to protect your knees, shins or elbows should you wind up diving into place. You're going to wind up with a first-class ticket to the first-aid tent with some dirt-stuffed gashes and your day's probably going to be ruined. So if you're the kind of person who's looking to go balls-to-the-wall with your 'balling, picking up some armour should be on your paintballing to-do list.

Gloves are also a great idea if you're conscientious about your comfort. Sure, your hands are a small part of your body, but if you're poking out to shoot at someone then your hands become a much bigger target as mostly everything else is behind cover (if you're doing it right). If you start getting smoked across the fingers, odds are that 1. you're gonna be in a fair bit of hurt and 2. that your 'combat effectiveness' is going to suffer A LOT. 

Case-in-point, when you've got the money for it, armour's a great addition to any paintball kit.

Running on Empty:

Just wrapping this up as I've said pretty much everything there is to say but I wanted to point out that although I'm literally ABOUT to functionally enter the sport, I've received a lot of feedback from different people all hailing from different functions regarding paintball. I know people involved in the 'aftermarket' and customization fields, the beginner players, pro-sponsored teams and people who work  for the fields.

I'm not an expert (hence the self-designated "n00b baller" title) but don't discount my reviews and suggestions folks, I'm trying to help my fellow n00bs.

That's all I have for today. I'll fill y'all in more when my shopping and wheeling and dealing makes some more headway. I appreciate you stopping by the blog and giving it a read and I hope you've enjoyed it. If you have, PLEASE share the link on Facebook, email it to your friends, follow the page... whatever you'd like but it really helps me out! Oh, and as always, remember...

Keep calm and throw paint!

Joshua J. Taylor - Callsign Loading....