Welcome to Paintball - The NooB Gets Knackered

The Fight for Asylum:

I hope everyone else's weekend went as well as mine.

I managed to conquer nature, my own fears and (with the help of another 264 people) the entire red team no matter what the score sheet said.

As you'll probably know, my first paintball adventure EVER went down this weekend and I have to say that I've never had a better rush in my life. Stalking through hallways, running and gunning out on the roads, diving to cover in massive firefights between 80+ people at a time... It was the most exhilarating experience I could possibly imagine.

Welcome to Paintball:

Let me be your guide.

'Smash', myself, Juggernaut and Valkyrie (front row).

This is by-far the most intense sport that I have ever experienced and if anyone wants to debate the status of paintball as a sport I'm down for that duel and so are 559 of my closest friends and acquaintances.

Athleticism, awareness, accuracy and aggression should be the four A's of paintball. If you can nail down those four things it's no surprise to find yourself waist-deep in a flood of paint without batting an eyelash at incoming fire...

Okay, so maybe I'm not exactly Rambo or John McClane but I'll be damned if I didn't feel like it as I ran out into the no-man's-land-like regions of the warzone as the battle rotated around the buildings. It really was something to behold (if only I could've watched from the rooftops) as the battle moved back and forth over the front and back fields, pivoting around the 3-story apartment at one end and the 2-story offices at the other. It should also be mentioned that a fatal funnel of frenzied paintball firing known locally as 'the hallway of death' also played a large part in controlling the central warehouse which seemed to give any team possessing it an unwarranted confidence... Seriously, if you botched the outdoor fight it just meant you were pinned down in the centre, waiting to get blitzed.

Bring in the N00b!

Yeah, I became the "chosen plug" every now and then, but I more often chose myself for the job than anything else.

'Joe Dirt' and I (camo pants) getting seriously
stitched while making a suicide flag run.

There's a certain honour in putting it all out there for the sake of your team, even if that means you get a few welts along the way. If you ask me, each welt should tell a story, and if you've got too many welts to remember every story well... You might have looked like me out on the field because I couldn't get back to the front lines fast enough. Once you start slinging paint it's hard to stop readers, I can promise you that much.

I was running (as you'll most definitely know by now) a Tippmann A5, JT Proshield mask, BT 4+1 pod pack full-up with four pods and and 3000psi HPA tank. No E-triggers, no fancy sights, just the basics people. To be honest? It did the job admirably. When I needed to lay down covering fire it was easy to just snap my middle finger back and rattle off balls. When I needed to place rounds on target at range it worked equally well. Could I have used a sight? Maybe, but only if I'd known the range I'd be engaging at the most. All-in-all the A5 worked every bit as hard as I did and not ONCE did I chop a ball. I did get a couple balls stuck in the barrel when the temperature dropped so to all you n00bs out there just remember account for cold-weather shrinkage okay? ;) It happens to the best of us guys and the only thing you can do is work with what you've got... A larger-bore barrel doesn't hurt much either though you stand a chance of losing a little accuracy. In all honesty though, with the whole barrel thing, a slightly larger bore isn't going to mess with you before the 18-20 yard range and at that point you're 'hailmarying' your shots anyway.

Earning my Stripes:

Oddly enough they resemble welts... Who knew?

These are my worst/best from the weekend.
Took 3 days of balling to get it this bad so don't
be afraid to hit a field for just a day or two.

Yeah it comes with the territory, welts, bruises, cuts and scrapes. If you're gonna go HAM (hard as a mofo) you're gonna need the odd bit of Advil, Rub A535 and Polysporin. These are all essential parts of a paintball kit as you KNOW you've had a good day when you finally sit down and your mind is overcome with thoughts of "Where the HELL is my muscle cream!?!". It helps to keep your legs moving at ALL times (if you sit down to eat, or stand around reloading in the pits just shift your weight side to side or bounce your knees up and down) so that your muscles don't cramp up. Force the oxygen to them by keeping them at work to some extent and you'll reduce muscle fatigue.

As far as welts and bruises go, that shit's got its own timeline. It'll heal differently depending on your body but a little cold compress (ice pack, cold water-dampened facecloth) will do wonders on the swelling. Maybe you'll be 'lucky' like me and get your hands lit up while popping out of cover for which I recommend getting a pair of half-finger armoured gloves to keep your digits happy. Balls tend to bounce a lot on the weird angles created by your hands and wrists and any baller will tell you that a bounce almost ALWAYS hurts more than a clean break.

I got smoked by this ninja-esque baller after battling hard for a foothold in the 2-story building. He slid into the room across a hallway covered by three guys, poked the first three in the room, shot me (the welt just under my gold chain), shot the guy next to me in the chest and then slapped the last man in the room on the back of the head. I just had to shake his hand before I started on my way back to the respawn point because it was just insane how quickly he pulled that off.

My back got stitched (nailed with a line of balls) on my suicide flag run. There are three distinct welts in the top left picture (two at the shoulder and one on the spine) from that little display of insanity. I also too two more on the bicep and one more on the ass after I hit the ground.

Does any of this discourage my from balling? HELL NO! I know it's a little intimidating for some people when they see the marks but honestly? They're just badges of honour. Each welt tells a very distinct story about your day and you should be proud of them. I'm not saying spend ALL your time running into a firefight but if you're considering it just remember that while pain's only temporary, bragging rights and glory last forever!

Best Blasting / Pick of the Paint:

Alright, with each paintball trip I make there's going to a "Best Blasting" and "Pick of the Paint" segment. This is where I detail my personal favourite shot and my most notable 'knackering' (when I get my ass lit-up with paint).

A Close One:

It was really hard for me to pick between two deaths but I've managed to decide on the winner. I had the unenviable task of choosing between a display of "ballziness" and an absolute shock-trooper domination... 

And the award goes to *drum roll*

The Ninja Nailer. This guy flew into a room held by 6 people and with one smooth move eleiminated everyone putting a shot square at the base of my neck and into the sternum of the guy to my right... It only took him two shots. I was going to choose my suicide run but that was more about just doing something ridiculous, the people who shot me out had a turkey shoot going on. This damned ninja (whose name I never got unfortunately) showed some serious courage, composure and skill with his sliding breach and clear. Six kills in four seconds? Not too shabby pal, not too shabby at all.

Bushed

 I made my best moves of the weekend on Sunday after I got into my rhythm on Saturday's dominating game. Again the decision comes down to a duel between two equally epic events but I've still managed to pick a winner.

1. My spawn. 2. My berm.
3. Concealed shooter. 4. Enemy spawn

As a runner-up we have my second 'bunkering' of the day where, after calling for some blistering cover fire from me bunker mates, I made a dash down a narrow fire-funnel of a hallway and got up against a house-style bunker. The bugger inside had been blasting the ammo dump (the bunker I'd just run from) along with a couple of his squadmates but we'd managed to pick them off. The general had called for us to push through to the fallout zone so this thorn in our side couldn't be allowed to sit there and suppress our advancing troops. I asked the guys around me (one speedballer, an X7 e-trigger and some rentals) to lay down fire on the bunker as I made a mad dash for the window on the left of the bunker. I turned and aimed down and *POP POP* put a round clear into his shoulder after missing the first. I pulled the trigger a third time quickly but got nothing but air... Last two balls and one of'em made a bunkering shot. That being said it still doesn't beat my favourite kill.

My kill of the weekend was on a concealed triggerman preventing my team from advancing down the back boulevard of the back road. He had crawled just far enough into the trees to prevent getting longballed and even getting eyes on him was next to impossible. Suddenly one of the guys sheltering with me in the berm motioned that the shooter was behind some yellow caution tape strung up in a tree. I ran from the berm to the treeline and advanced along it to within about fifteen feet of him. I flagged my wingman back at the berm to lay down three bursts before I planned to make my run. After a lot of shredded paint in the trees around our target I ran up and popped him clean on the mask. His hand went up, he rolled out of the bushes and I was promptly nailed by a Citrus Connection member hiding out way back behind a berm on the opposite side of the road.

Around the Campfire:

I hate to wrap this up but I've dropped enough text on this page as-is. I wish I could've shown you these great moments but I wasn't able to borrow a helmet or barrel cam so I'll have to save up for one or guarantee a loaner for my next deployment.

The Fight for Asylum event was absolutely mindblowing folks. I can't say enough about it but you can be sure I'll make an attempt at summing it all up with tomorrow's article. Until then, to n00bs and pros alike just remember to...

Keep calm and throw paint!

Joshua J. Taylor - The 'N00b' Baller